How to quit porn.
My experience ‘getting off’ it for good!
I’d be willing to bet that my first exposure to pornographic material was much like that of many other men born circa 1990. That secretive bag you find stashed under a bed, or behind the cabinet, with an alluring cache of magazines and VCR’s. I know you remember the ones; Hustler, Penthouse and Play-Boy, and perhaps some more ‘risque’ titles. If you could snag some time alone you might just sneak a peek and hope to God you weren’t caught!
But fast forward a decade or two and the landscape has completely changed. There are people everywhere, smart-phone gracing their non-dominant hand, with access to an innumerable number of bodies and kink.
However, as I sit and write this, I am proud to say that I am over two months clean of porn and life is fucking awesome! I never believed I could do it. I’ve tried before and I’ve failed. Yet this time, it was different and I am never going back.
In this article I’d like to share my story with you, the approach I used to give it up, and a few rather scary observations I have made along the way.
First up, let’s start with the ground rules.
Ground rules.
“Rule 1 — No pornography or material that even loosely resembles it.”
First and foremost you cannot consume anything pornography related. This means no porn (the obvious kind), no nudie mags, no erotic stories, no Instagram hoes! Nothing that could be used to stimulate, and self-gratify.
“Rule 2 — No running of highlight reels.”
Masturbation is okay, however you are not allowed to run a “highlight reel” of pornstars you’ve seen in the past. You are allowed to imagine the woman, or women (if you are so inclined) you are currently sleeping with.
“Rule 3 — Masturbate no more than once or twice a week.”
Limit ejaculation to once or twice a week to ride the testosterone wave. If you have a girlfriend or are dating this can make for some very satisfying sexual experiences whilst gaining the positive effects of sexual transmutation during the week! (Sexual transmutation to be discussed later). Note my rationale for adopting this rule came from this study.
Okay… So now we have those out of the way, what did I notice?
I stopped objectifying women.
Firstly, and very unexpectedly; I say unexpectedly because I had absolutely no idea I was doing this, I stopped objectifying women. Fuck, those words just came out of my mouth. Once upon a time I would imagine having sex with pretty much every mildly attractive women that I came across. It seemed so normal, all my mates did, and I could not help it. The thoughts would simply manifest in my mind whether I wanted them to or not. What would she be like in bed, I’d wonder. Fuck I’d love to bend her over the counter… I’m disgusted in myself as I write these down… I just couldn’t help it. Not to mention the constant head checks I’d be making or sneaking glances as a beautiful woman walked by.
Yet, it wasn’t very long, maybe two weeks, before these thoughts all but got up and fucked off. Seriously, they just evapourated. It was then that I had the realisation that something had been very, very off… I barely even notice other women anymore. Sure, I can see their beauty, but those depraved automatic thoughts of deviance are all gone… What’s even better about this though, is that the woman I am currently seeing has all my attention. To me, she is the most beautiful and sexy woman alive, and I have no eyes for anyone else. I absolutely love that I can give 100% of my attention to her.
Sex is WAY better!
Secondly, sex is WAY better! I’m sure there is some confounding factors here however, sex is absolutely amazing.
This is a tough one to begin, so I think I’ll start with some context. Further, I apologise for the overshare… Once upon a time, I had terrible performance anxiety. It was pretty much certain that the “first time” with an unfamiliar woman I wouldn’t be able to get an erection. If I really liked her, this anxiety was even worse! Imagine that? The girl you’re really into thinks you have absolutely no interest in her!!!
During my first somewhat “casual” experience I received the comment, “it’s okay, you’re probably just gay…” What the fuck? If you’ve had this experience before then you know just how tormenting it can be. I was 18 then, and I’m 30 now, and that’s been with me fairly well since then.
Well… Since giving up porn I am much less anxious in the bed room.
The unfortunate thing that pornography teaches us it that you must have an absolutely monster erection all the time, at the click of a button. The reality is, REAL sex is not like this, you’ll have periods with a raging hard on, and you’ll have periods without it. This is totally okay. If you lose your erection for a bit, it doesn’t mean it won’t come back in a minute or two if you just relax and go back to the moment.
Breaking down this mental barrier is important as it allows you to be far more mindful during sex. This means simply kissing, touching and caressing become immensely pleasurable.
Being more mindful during sex also means you’ll like stop fetishising things as much. If you’re a bloke, you’ve probably thought about doing anal sex, and many of you probably have. It’s certainly something that when I was using porn I started to be interested in. Now it’s not to say that I wouldn’t do it again; I don’t believe there is anything inherently wrong with it, but I find without the porn I’m not projecting fetishes onto the experience, rather, letting the experience unravel as we go.
“Without porn, you stop projecting your fetishes onto the experience, rather, you’ll let the experience unravel as happens.”
Now… Let’s keep in mind that it’s not all about you, or all about me here. The important point is that sex is better for both parties. Because really, all of this discussion would mean nothing if it worked only for the individual and not the couple.
Here’s my feeling on why this happens:
- Through the cessation of porn consumption you become less anxious;
- When you’re less anxious you are more aware of the moment. Therefore, you no longer need to project those depraved fantasies to become excited; finally
- This allows the brain to rewire itself for attraction to real women, and to respond to them with intense sexual arousal.
Being mindful and in tune with the experience, will make you far more responsive to the other persons needs. If you’re projecting a pornographic fantasy then you are not in the moment, you are simply running an idea of what you want. Your partner isn’t in that, and with that, they may be left behind. Women in particular can sense this, they know when you are more in tune with the moment and not projecting something onto it, and this excites them immensely.
Ultimately, the experience is orders of magnitude more satisfying for both parties. The flow on affect is that being a better lover means you will get a lot more sex than you previously did!!!
Finally, the orgasm. You knew we would get there eventually right? ;-) Ha! When you save the tension up during the week, when you focus on foreplay, when you are mindful during sex, and when you let the experience unravel as it happens you will have the intense orgasms you’ve ever had. Once this happens to you, it should be way more than enough to stop you from returning to old habits!!!
Significantly more secure and self-respecting.
Thirdly. I’m pretty friendly, always have been. I like chatting with people, and I also like chatting them up. Not because I want to take them home, or start a relationship, but simply to make myself feel okay. Like I have value in society. Fuck, another one of those realisations about myself I’m not proud of. Yet now, I feel no urge to flirt with random people for validation; face it, that’s mostly why we do it. I feel completely secure in myself. The humorous end to this is that I also seem to be getting much more attention. Still, instead of reacting to it with a desire to be validated I smile politely and continue on.
More productive and driven.
Finally, and this seems to be compounded by the feelings above, I am way more productive and driven. I’m just always ready to win!!! I’m working longer hours, and I’m super motivated to. I believe I can be successful and I am driving this ship forward!!!
How can you do this too?
So, in my experience life is way better after porn, but how did I actually get there?
Step 1 — Get an accountability buddy.
The first thing I did was get an accountability buddy. This is someone who you can rely on, who will keep you accountable to your goal and someone you can talk to if you are struggling. In my opinion, I feel it’s important that you know them well, they know you, and you trust each other. I was fortunate enough to have a good mate who, he too, wanted to give up the drug, and we were able to work together. When I was struggling he would just say:
“Hey man, scroll up and read the texts you’ve sent me. Look at how much progress you’ve made, do you really want to throw that away?”
Step 2 — Keep a log book.
Two, I’ve kept a log book. I’ve built myself what I’m calling a “Personal Success Dashboard” which outlines a number of repeating behaviours I want to employ in my life each day. One of these behaviours is of course, NO PORN! Each day that goes by I log this in and it provides me with a great source of motivation to stay clean, and a picture of just how far I’ve come.
Step 3 — Avoid adult material like the plague.
Three, I actively avoid ALL adult material. Even those of the softest form as they can most definitely be a trigger. AND, if I’m really beginning to struggle, I will quickly “rub one out”, as the reduction in sexual tension can stop me from wanting to seek further sexual stimulation of the artificial kind.
Step 4 — Understand your triggers and swap them out.
Four. With any learned behaviour a trigger is something that sets off a cascade of subsequent behaviour, or behaviours. For the porn user this might be boredom, or being home alone. It might be simply getting into bed and switching off the light. Make an effort to understand a) when you use porn and b) what the preceding action was. At this point, you can then actively change it for something else. For me, it was simply the thing I did before I went to sleep. Acknowledging this I switched it for YouTube rather than YouPorn and it has seemed to work. Understandably, watching a screen before bed is not the best option but it’s certainly better than the former.
Step 5 — Embrace sexual transmutation.
Five, and this is somewhat antithetical to the previous comment, even if I feel like masturbating I remind myself of two things. First; I remind myself just how productive I am when I use that sexual energy for other pursuits. They call it sexual transmutation. But essentially it involves taking that sexual energy and putting it into an activity other than sex. Secondly, I remind myself of how much better love making will be if I wait, and use that energy there!
Step 6 — You MUST be 100% in!
Sixth, and likely finally, is focus and commitment. It’s probably the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn in life, as I really like to keep my options open, and I’m a bit of a scatter brain, but 100% commitment is WAY easier than 99% commitment, and it also brings disproportionate results! Who’d have thought?
I know this might seem somewhat counter intuitive, but let me explain. The thing that has arguably made the biggest difference in this was making the decision to NEVER, and I repeat NEVER consume adult material again. The question just never gets to enter my mind now, it’s simply a NO! If I had said, well maybe, I could have it occasionally, or at some point in the future, then every time I had the urge to consume it, I have to have the discussion with myself of “is this that time?”. This, over the long term can wear even the most steely resolve down… The 1% makes a difference of fucking epic proportions.
I’m sure some will say, but I could never give it up for good? But in my opinion, that’s just the addiction talking. Once you’re out of it, and realise all the benefits that come with it, the question of whether you should go back just doesn’t even need to be asked.
My Ask to You
If giving up pornography is something you’ve been considering, or reading this has made you think it’s something you probably should, then why not give it a go? Whether it be a 7 day commitment, a 30 day commitment or a lifetime commitment, what have you got to lose? Seriously, I could not have imagined how much better life would be without it, and even though I know I’m not out of the woods yet; I still have to actively manage this, I don’t ever want to go back to that place. Life is fucking amazing, it gets better every day, and not watching some cheap pixels on a screen is definitely worth the cost!
If you made it this far, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read. Did any of those experiences resonate with you? I’d love to hear, I’m sure I’m not the only one. Have a marvelous day.
Hugh
